PETA and Cosmo!

                I literally do feel so proud of myself. I am doing a project in my violent images class on Animal Cruelty involving killing animals for fur. I think this is wrong and I don’t think animals should be hurt just for fashion. I LOVE clothes and shopping but now that I know how animals are killed I am not into it any more. People in slaughterhouses kill animals alive and I think it is so sad. I joined a organization called PETA. They do awareness against this issue and many others. Some other issues they cover that I truly support are animal testing, spay/neuter, save the seals, wildlife, against bullfighting, elephant abuse in the circus and tons more!! I would really encourage everyone to join because it all goes to a good cause. I pledged for awareness against animals killed for fur and elephants being abused in the circus. Their campaigns are amazing and I would not mind doing a campaign for them. Here are some photos.

 I have also found a new love for Cosmopolitan magazine; it’s like a life saver!!! I can find everything about love to woman needs in this magazine. I got my first magazine for my b-day and I have loved it ever since. The first magazine helped me with some “stuff” that I needed help on it really worked. I save all the issues because I never know when I need to refer back to it again. I am so surprised that this magazine really works it helps you with everything like relationships, how to read men, how to get them going and omg I can’t even explain it all. I do not know what I would do without this magazine, I think everyone should read!

                -Mattie

Join PETA at www.PETA.org

The Better Side of Me.

Ok, so the last time I posted on here was months ago! I admit that I was a bit freaky and sadder. I was literally written about someone who stomped all over me. But WHATEVER!! Who needs men anyway? This blog is all about ME!! End of story! So up to date on my life, I ended up changing my major to Mass Communication. I eventually want to work for a Physical Therapy or some type of healthcare magazine. I think that since I know so much about it I mind as well write about it. I currently work two jobs. I still work at Zumiez and it will officially be 2 years this month! Yay for me! I also work at a Physical Therapy clinic as an aide. I started that job in the middle of July and I absolutely love it! I really need to brush up my skills on decorating my blog. My sister’s blog always looks really nice while mine looks bland.

My new love on tv is Jersey Shore and Food network!! You all should check out my cooking blog: Maitreyee-appetit.blogspot.com Snooki is my favorite on Jersey Shore, she is sorta kinda like me. I also realized that I need to focus more on school than other things. I love hanging out with friends and working but I need to balance it out. I feel like I wait the last minute to do homework and study. I was always productive the beginning of school and now I’m just not haha. What are you all doing for Halloween? I am going to dress up and go out with friends but cook. I want to go all out with cooking for Halloween. I have never cooked for Halloween so I am so excited about it.

We also got a new edition to the family, we got a new kitten!! His name is phoenix and he is super cute! I can tell that he is going to be a fat cat. His cheeks are chubby and it’s so cute, he enjoys life and loves to play with my other cat Tucker who is just a year older. I love knowing that I can come home, release all my stresses and anxiety to just play with my cats that love me and sleep by me. This is so much better than having a relationship. Haha jk jk! But I am still single, it’s been a year. I’m okay with it because I am in no rush and I know that there I someone out there for me. Just be positive.

I realize that I wanna get my own place someday. I’ve been looking at new cooking appliances that I needa get and it makes me think of what themes I want and even how I want to decorate my room and bathroom. I need to get a new bed set and bathroom set, let’s go Target and Ikea shopping!! I also decided that I want a cat of my own. I won’t clean up after it but I want one to cuddle with haha. I figure when I get married one day I’ll get a cat. If my husband can has a dog then I will have a cat. 

What I miss...

                

              I miss lying in bed and being in his company. We don’t need to have sexual activity but I love being around him, laying on his heart and hearing his heart beat, feeling him breathe and knowing that he is alive and well. I miss when he kisses me playfully, makes out with my ear, sleeping over, playing with him and laughing, cuddling, being myself and feeling safe when I am around him. It’s the little things in life that I miss about him. I miss showing him that I care and seeing how he might possibly care about me. I miss being in his house, in his car, holding hands in his car, and riding around with him talking. We talk about activities that are in our lives or having serious conversations about our past, present, future, friends and family. I miss being in his company and his families company. From going to movies and playing golf to playing pool and chillin’ out. Meeting new people and making friends is my favorite part of life. I feel that you learn more about yourself and others by being with others. Like I said before, I miss being able to hold and care for him I just want to be with him.

Even though the attempt to have sex did not work; I miss the sexual activity. Not just because its just fooling around, but the warm feeling I get when I am with him and how good I feel. He does it better than anyone else. He is gentle and seems like he cares about me when we do things. He knows what to do with me to make me happy and doesn’t hurt me. I miss kissing, making out, giving him hand jobs and blow jobs. I miss giving him massages before activity ad pleasuring him. Even though I like being pleasured, I would rather pleasure him and make him happy. I don’t want to be pleasured; I want him to be happy and pleasured. I figure that if I pleasure him, then maybe in a week to a few months I will see him again. I know that is a horrid mind set but it’s the truth. I want to try new things. I cannot try new things, show him I have changed for the better, and truly be myself instead of trying to “fit in” like when we first met. He won’t let me, hang out with me or talk to me so how can I reconnect?  As far as trying new things go, I have one thing to show him that he might like. I know that some people find it a turn on but I want to see if he likes it. Then, there is one sexual thing I do not believe he has tried. I want to try it to again, see if he likes it.

Just about DONE!

                

I have NEVER thought I could EVER be so PISSED OFF at you… NO FUCKING IDEA!! I have seriously REACHED MY LIMIT! When I have to punch the side of my door out of anger that is SERIOUSLY saying something! No we haven’t talked but sometimes SILENCE is the absolute worst. I am fucking sick and tired of waiting. What in the world am I doing? I haven’t gotten this pissed off since TOM!! I haven’t listened to my metal genre of music for a long ass time. I told you what was going on with me on Friday. When everyone else in the world wishes me a good bday one and you don’t, that makes you look bad. I told you on Wednesday when we somewhat talked. I know I am blowing this out of proportion but honestly, I have held it in WAY too long and now I have officially EXPLODED!! If your going to stop talking to me and blow me off, you mind as well shut your mouth and blow me first that way I get something out of it. I cannot figure out my emotions right now and it makes me upset. I blew up and I still have a bit of anger in me. I am not crying and crushed as I was today on my bday. I am more vexed and apathetic about this whole thing. What the FUCK am I going to do? imma go to bed. peace out.

Secrets...

                It’s what defines society. Everyone knows something that you do not know. It’s a type of feeling that you get when you’re around someone and you know that they are lying. When you mention a topic, ask a question they give you an answer, you have this instinct that they are not telling you the full truth. The individual could keep information from you for their reputation, avoid/start drama, feel uncomfortable for telling you the truth, wanna bottle it up till they explode busy or no reason at all. It’s like honestly, if you have something to say to me then say it to my face. Don’t go telling your friends because eventually I will know everything. Those who know me do know that I have a mouth and I am blunt. What makes me different is that I know how to say what I need to say because I think it over. I don’t just open my mouth and shout it out. Another thing is that I know when to shut my mouth. You can just sense on if you need to say what you need to say or if you need to hold it in for a bit. I do not do well with fake plastic Barbies or wannabe Ken dolls. Nothing is worse than those “fake friends.”  These people are your so called “friends” who act like your friend but they really aren’t. They just put on a fake face. Or if he only talks to you when “he” wants too and hangs out with you when “he” wants too. Are we friends, friends with benefits, yes or no? I just wanna know. 

Abuse...

                How do you define that? It means so many different things to me. It’s physical, sexual, mental, emotional and verbal. The only people who understand abuse are those who have been abused themselves. Kind of like me, ironic right? I look back on my life and I realize that I have been abused ever since middle school. I might have known it at the time but it is true. This was all verbal, emotional, mental and hazing. Would you consider hazing as a form of abuse? I would. As of right now, I am blessed that I have not been sexually abused. I never want to experience that, I have no idea of what I would do if I was sexually abused.

                The last thing I would ever expect is to have someone of whom I am dating verbally abuse me in the car, try and choke me in his kitchen while his mom is upstairs or put shame on me for his actions. I never expected my mom to take all her anger and her rage out on me on Valentine’s Day in the car. I got flashbacks of Tom abusing me that day. It kills me to see how I can’t speak to my mom or go to the grocery store with her because she doesn’t wanna go with me. I hate how it’s awkward to be in the same room as her or how my dad doesn’t say a word about my mom in front of me. I understand that she is stressed but does she have to take it out on me. Putting a card on the table with money in it does not mean anything to me. I would think she would understand how this hurt me but obviously she doesn’t want to talk. She has had experience with working with abusers; she was a social worker for years.  I don’t know if you would say this is a positive or negative thing for my life. Abuse has allowed me to grow and be stronger. When this happens, I go silent and I don’t defend myself. I take it all in and deal with it, and then I cry. I find myself weak.

                I have been lonely and down awhile but has this been getting worse over time? I must admit, my eating has been getting better. Everyone hopes for good heath, happiness or to find love for this New Year. How can you go find it? Is it like a dog where u can put a “wanted” sign on it? I cannot hope for anything good to happen at this point in my life. I’m just alive; so that’s it. I take up air and I breathe every day.  “He” won’t talk to me, school is beating my ass, it seems like my family doesn’t care for me and all for what? I can’t dwell on the little stuff and worry because life is too short. Like he said, “Move on with your life and don’t care about the past.” I am a Pisces, I don’t know if everyone believes in horoscopes but they are often accurate from time to time. The characteristics match my personality so well.

                “Pisces: Able to adapt emotionally to any environment. Their symbol is a pair of fishes, one swimming above the other in the opposite direction. Likewise, they possess some duality in their personalities. On the one hand, they can be kind, compassionate, sensitive, and very understanding. But at the same time Pisces people like to keep their true emotions under wraps, placing great focus on their inner journey. Pisceans are very easy going, and they would rather wait for their problems to sort themselves than solve them.” –Daily Horoscope

                Is this correct about me? Some parts yes, I do like to keep my true emotions secret. “He” would never have known I liked him but his best friend kind of put it in my head to tell him. He finally got me to do it. Someday I regret this action and other days I don’t. I like to believe that I am not bashful. I just care about others, am willing to put others in front of me and want to be loved by everyone else. I feel that no one knows how much they are loved till they are gone. This can mean moving away and people telling you they miss you or passing on and watching who goes to your funeral when you die. Part of this is just life but I also think a small part of all my worries and stress is what I put upon myself. I want to be noble but it’s all better said than done. I tell myself to be happy and to move on from “him” but do I have the strength and courage to do so? I did it once, came back and now I’m stuck. It’s hard to move on twice. I guess we all shall see when the time comes…. Hope for the best right?

Valentine's Day.

So I just go done watching the movie Valentine’s Day. Excellent movie, I give credit to everyone who participated in it. This chick flick had a sense of reality to it; it was the type of movie that just made you think. Remember last year’s movie He’s Just Not That into You? Both movies had that sense of knowing that what’s going on in the film is also happening in your life as well. How and why do screen writers do this? I mean, you spend so much time trying not to think about your “love situation” then movies remind you. I mean, what is that?

One thing that I remember from the movie Valentine’s Day is that you gotta love someone for who they are. It’s the whole package, not just half of it. You just know of when you are in love or like someone. It’s a moment of where you don’t need to just think about it. When you’re about to be married, you can’t “consider” marrying the person. From what I heard you need to know it and feel it. If the man uses you, calls you from time to time, invites you over and talks to you when they want too. It feels wrong to hate them; you still like them for who they are. You allow them to treat you like shit because you like them so much. Even if you know you want to be with that one person on Valentine’s Day; you still end up alone. I have no idea of what to do. Can I even survive Valentine’s Day? I wanna text him “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I don’t wanna sound desperate but more as a friendly comment. Is that possible? Or in my situation, would that seem inappropriate on Valentine’s Day?

I never really get emotionally attached or drained on Valentine’s Day. I normally just don’t care but I am afraid that I will be an emotional wreck. While everyone is out being with the one they love; I will be sitting on the couch, under my throw blanket, drinking whatever is in my fridge and throwing chocolates at the TV watching The Notebook or Pearl Harbor. If I get the guts, I might glance at his photo from time to time or maybe even try talking to him. My sister and her husband had their first date on this day. She says she is happy that she met “the one.” As well as mentioning that she is happy she is done with dating because guys suck and are pigs. This is so true. I have this feeling that everyone is going to end up married and fall in love but me. I’ll be the old lady with cats living in her house. Everyone will find their own happiness but me. I know that there are many things wrong with me. I will save you your sanity by not posting all of them. You would be staring at the screen for 5 min if I did.

It just seems like girls can’t be friends with guys. It’s either your together, booty call, friends with benefits or nothing at all. This is worse than in elementary school when we used to think sitting boy-girl-boy-girl was a sin. All of these happen to me; I have come to reality with it and have accepted it but it still kills me inside. To some people, Valentine’s Day is just a sexual activity day. It doesn’t matter if you are taken or single, it’s the one day that amazing sexual festivities are expected on this day. Who am I possibly going to pleasure or have fun sexual tension with? Well, if cupid aims right and hits him in the ass right it will be him. If not, I can have activities with someone else but that won’t mean anything. I’ll just think I am a whore because I don’t really “like” the person. So, what will you do on Valentine’s Day?