What I miss...

                

              I miss lying in bed and being in his company. We don’t need to have sexual activity but I love being around him, laying on his heart and hearing his heart beat, feeling him breathe and knowing that he is alive and well. I miss when he kisses me playfully, makes out with my ear, sleeping over, playing with him and laughing, cuddling, being myself and feeling safe when I am around him. It’s the little things in life that I miss about him. I miss showing him that I care and seeing how he might possibly care about me. I miss being in his house, in his car, holding hands in his car, and riding around with him talking. We talk about activities that are in our lives or having serious conversations about our past, present, future, friends and family. I miss being in his company and his families company. From going to movies and playing golf to playing pool and chillin’ out. Meeting new people and making friends is my favorite part of life. I feel that you learn more about yourself and others by being with others. Like I said before, I miss being able to hold and care for him I just want to be with him.

Even though the attempt to have sex did not work; I miss the sexual activity. Not just because its just fooling around, but the warm feeling I get when I am with him and how good I feel. He does it better than anyone else. He is gentle and seems like he cares about me when we do things. He knows what to do with me to make me happy and doesn’t hurt me. I miss kissing, making out, giving him hand jobs and blow jobs. I miss giving him massages before activity ad pleasuring him. Even though I like being pleasured, I would rather pleasure him and make him happy. I don’t want to be pleasured; I want him to be happy and pleasured. I figure that if I pleasure him, then maybe in a week to a few months I will see him again. I know that is a horrid mind set but it’s the truth. I want to try new things. I cannot try new things, show him I have changed for the better, and truly be myself instead of trying to “fit in” like when we first met. He won’t let me, hang out with me or talk to me so how can I reconnect?  As far as trying new things go, I have one thing to show him that he might like. I know that some people find it a turn on but I want to see if he likes it. Then, there is one sexual thing I do not believe he has tried. I want to try it to again, see if he likes it.

Just about DONE!

                

I have NEVER thought I could EVER be so PISSED OFF at you… NO FUCKING IDEA!! I have seriously REACHED MY LIMIT! When I have to punch the side of my door out of anger that is SERIOUSLY saying something! No we haven’t talked but sometimes SILENCE is the absolute worst. I am fucking sick and tired of waiting. What in the world am I doing? I haven’t gotten this pissed off since TOM!! I haven’t listened to my metal genre of music for a long ass time. I told you what was going on with me on Friday. When everyone else in the world wishes me a good bday one and you don’t, that makes you look bad. I told you on Wednesday when we somewhat talked. I know I am blowing this out of proportion but honestly, I have held it in WAY too long and now I have officially EXPLODED!! If your going to stop talking to me and blow me off, you mind as well shut your mouth and blow me first that way I get something out of it. I cannot figure out my emotions right now and it makes me upset. I blew up and I still have a bit of anger in me. I am not crying and crushed as I was today on my bday. I am more vexed and apathetic about this whole thing. What the FUCK am I going to do? imma go to bed. peace out.

Secrets...

                It’s what defines society. Everyone knows something that you do not know. It’s a type of feeling that you get when you’re around someone and you know that they are lying. When you mention a topic, ask a question they give you an answer, you have this instinct that they are not telling you the full truth. The individual could keep information from you for their reputation, avoid/start drama, feel uncomfortable for telling you the truth, wanna bottle it up till they explode busy or no reason at all. It’s like honestly, if you have something to say to me then say it to my face. Don’t go telling your friends because eventually I will know everything. Those who know me do know that I have a mouth and I am blunt. What makes me different is that I know how to say what I need to say because I think it over. I don’t just open my mouth and shout it out. Another thing is that I know when to shut my mouth. You can just sense on if you need to say what you need to say or if you need to hold it in for a bit. I do not do well with fake plastic Barbies or wannabe Ken dolls. Nothing is worse than those “fake friends.”  These people are your so called “friends” who act like your friend but they really aren’t. They just put on a fake face. Or if he only talks to you when “he” wants too and hangs out with you when “he” wants too. Are we friends, friends with benefits, yes or no? I just wanna know. 

Abuse...

                How do you define that? It means so many different things to me. It’s physical, sexual, mental, emotional and verbal. The only people who understand abuse are those who have been abused themselves. Kind of like me, ironic right? I look back on my life and I realize that I have been abused ever since middle school. I might have known it at the time but it is true. This was all verbal, emotional, mental and hazing. Would you consider hazing as a form of abuse? I would. As of right now, I am blessed that I have not been sexually abused. I never want to experience that, I have no idea of what I would do if I was sexually abused.

                The last thing I would ever expect is to have someone of whom I am dating verbally abuse me in the car, try and choke me in his kitchen while his mom is upstairs or put shame on me for his actions. I never expected my mom to take all her anger and her rage out on me on Valentine’s Day in the car. I got flashbacks of Tom abusing me that day. It kills me to see how I can’t speak to my mom or go to the grocery store with her because she doesn’t wanna go with me. I hate how it’s awkward to be in the same room as her or how my dad doesn’t say a word about my mom in front of me. I understand that she is stressed but does she have to take it out on me. Putting a card on the table with money in it does not mean anything to me. I would think she would understand how this hurt me but obviously she doesn’t want to talk. She has had experience with working with abusers; she was a social worker for years.  I don’t know if you would say this is a positive or negative thing for my life. Abuse has allowed me to grow and be stronger. When this happens, I go silent and I don’t defend myself. I take it all in and deal with it, and then I cry. I find myself weak.

                I have been lonely and down awhile but has this been getting worse over time? I must admit, my eating has been getting better. Everyone hopes for good heath, happiness or to find love for this New Year. How can you go find it? Is it like a dog where u can put a “wanted” sign on it? I cannot hope for anything good to happen at this point in my life. I’m just alive; so that’s it. I take up air and I breathe every day.  “He” won’t talk to me, school is beating my ass, it seems like my family doesn’t care for me and all for what? I can’t dwell on the little stuff and worry because life is too short. Like he said, “Move on with your life and don’t care about the past.” I am a Pisces, I don’t know if everyone believes in horoscopes but they are often accurate from time to time. The characteristics match my personality so well.

                “Pisces: Able to adapt emotionally to any environment. Their symbol is a pair of fishes, one swimming above the other in the opposite direction. Likewise, they possess some duality in their personalities. On the one hand, they can be kind, compassionate, sensitive, and very understanding. But at the same time Pisces people like to keep their true emotions under wraps, placing great focus on their inner journey. Pisceans are very easy going, and they would rather wait for their problems to sort themselves than solve them.” –Daily Horoscope

                Is this correct about me? Some parts yes, I do like to keep my true emotions secret. “He” would never have known I liked him but his best friend kind of put it in my head to tell him. He finally got me to do it. Someday I regret this action and other days I don’t. I like to believe that I am not bashful. I just care about others, am willing to put others in front of me and want to be loved by everyone else. I feel that no one knows how much they are loved till they are gone. This can mean moving away and people telling you they miss you or passing on and watching who goes to your funeral when you die. Part of this is just life but I also think a small part of all my worries and stress is what I put upon myself. I want to be noble but it’s all better said than done. I tell myself to be happy and to move on from “him” but do I have the strength and courage to do so? I did it once, came back and now I’m stuck. It’s hard to move on twice. I guess we all shall see when the time comes…. Hope for the best right?

Valentine's Day.

So I just go done watching the movie Valentine’s Day. Excellent movie, I give credit to everyone who participated in it. This chick flick had a sense of reality to it; it was the type of movie that just made you think. Remember last year’s movie He’s Just Not That into You? Both movies had that sense of knowing that what’s going on in the film is also happening in your life as well. How and why do screen writers do this? I mean, you spend so much time trying not to think about your “love situation” then movies remind you. I mean, what is that?

One thing that I remember from the movie Valentine’s Day is that you gotta love someone for who they are. It’s the whole package, not just half of it. You just know of when you are in love or like someone. It’s a moment of where you don’t need to just think about it. When you’re about to be married, you can’t “consider” marrying the person. From what I heard you need to know it and feel it. If the man uses you, calls you from time to time, invites you over and talks to you when they want too. It feels wrong to hate them; you still like them for who they are. You allow them to treat you like shit because you like them so much. Even if you know you want to be with that one person on Valentine’s Day; you still end up alone. I have no idea of what to do. Can I even survive Valentine’s Day? I wanna text him “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I don’t wanna sound desperate but more as a friendly comment. Is that possible? Or in my situation, would that seem inappropriate on Valentine’s Day?

I never really get emotionally attached or drained on Valentine’s Day. I normally just don’t care but I am afraid that I will be an emotional wreck. While everyone is out being with the one they love; I will be sitting on the couch, under my throw blanket, drinking whatever is in my fridge and throwing chocolates at the TV watching The Notebook or Pearl Harbor. If I get the guts, I might glance at his photo from time to time or maybe even try talking to him. My sister and her husband had their first date on this day. She says she is happy that she met “the one.” As well as mentioning that she is happy she is done with dating because guys suck and are pigs. This is so true. I have this feeling that everyone is going to end up married and fall in love but me. I’ll be the old lady with cats living in her house. Everyone will find their own happiness but me. I know that there are many things wrong with me. I will save you your sanity by not posting all of them. You would be staring at the screen for 5 min if I did.

It just seems like girls can’t be friends with guys. It’s either your together, booty call, friends with benefits or nothing at all. This is worse than in elementary school when we used to think sitting boy-girl-boy-girl was a sin. All of these happen to me; I have come to reality with it and have accepted it but it still kills me inside. To some people, Valentine’s Day is just a sexual activity day. It doesn’t matter if you are taken or single, it’s the one day that amazing sexual festivities are expected on this day. Who am I possibly going to pleasure or have fun sexual tension with? Well, if cupid aims right and hits him in the ass right it will be him. If not, I can have activities with someone else but that won’t mean anything. I’ll just think I am a whore because I don’t really “like” the person. So, what will you do on Valentine’s Day?

Attraction.

What attracts you to another person? Whether it’s a friendship or a boy/girl relationship? A noble person would say personality, how they carry themselves, characteristics, values, trust and what they have in common. Many individuals say that looks are the last on their list on what they look for. You know deep inside that this is a lie. A person must be attracted to that person in some shape or form to develop a relationship. It comes down to looking at physical properties weight, eyes, hair, boobs, lips, clothes, poise, everything! Some men will only hook up with women with a shitty personality but a terrific body. Is that fair? Is that ethical?

Many situations lead to someone having a loss of interest at one point or another. This would mean a complete loss in a friendship or relationship. So who suffers? There are many reasons of why this is caused. They could not like the partners personality or because their physical features were lower than what you wanted. Lowering your standards for the person can be a good or bad thing. Depends on the situation and what standards you are lowering. If you are lowering them because he is a good person then that is great. Lowering them for his benefit is not being truthful to you. Having a loss of interest is because by all of these, if something does not click or seem right it needs to end. With my ex, I hated his acne. Being a good person, I didn’t want to judge him based on that. We dated for awhile; his personality I found out was not for me. I left; I felt that it would be less hurtful if I were to end it then and not to use him.

When you realize that you have lost attraction to that person, you must make some decisions. Decision making can either be instant or you can take your time on making your decision. If you decide to take your time, make sure you don’t make the other partner wait too long. Waiting on both parts is the best. The most common decisions are using the individual for sexual pleasures, not expressing how you feel 100%, blankly not telling them, ignoring or all the above. This seems like a set of options that are easier said than done. When it gets tough both parties end up breaking down or snapping. In contrast, when it’s an easier decision you don’t care about the outcome. Is this healthy? Stopping and confronting any of these decisions is the best way to deal with it. Sometimes you forget about stopping the decision. You keep on letting them use you because you hope that someday they will come to you. Eventually you will go crazy over this person and become depressed. All these emotions will appear to make you seem obsessive when you’re not. Is this love? What is this feeling? I know what being in this situation feels like, I can’t get out.

It hurts and is torturing when you get the notice that someone is just not that into you. You meet a person that you assume will be great friends with you or meet the person who is looking for someone to date as well. Then, you realize they don’t like you and/or weren’t looking for any type of relationship with you at all. A friendship can end in gossip or first impressions. In a relationship situation, one of you can have a connection but the other one doesn’t. It’s that simple and that torturing. I tend to blame myself and figure what I did wrong. I want to make it better so then they come back to me. Why does this happen? Is it you just wake up one day and decide you don’t like the person or do you wake up in anticipation and think about it for awhile? Sometimes when you have a red flag you go with your natural instinct.

For example, the day after I suggested to my ex we should break up I woke up with a nightmare about him. It got to the point of where I did not want to get out of bed. I knew something was wrong and I had to end it that day. Having a blank flag makes you think and analyze about the situation. Actions don’t occur until an incident of the sort happens. The end result is a good or bad consequence; it’s up to you to decide on how to deal with it. I know what it’s like to have a red and blank flag wave in my face at the same time. What did I choose to do about it? I ignored it. Now, I am attached, hooked, hurt and confused as ever. Your actions determine your future and your consequeses. I wake up everyday thinking about him. It’s unhealthy and I am aware. I dream and hope he will talk and I always think of him. Call me obsessive if you wish, you don’t know me. I have a vivid imagination, that’s all it is. Nothing more; nothing less. I am just a girl wanting to be cared for and loved.

This past month and a half has been a living ship wreck. I stay up late, can’t wake up early, can’t eat or study. I have been having stress, anxiety, feeling unhappiness, unloved and unwanted. Life has been stressful but I never thought it would last this long. It’s not that I’m upset that life isn’t going my way but I’m upset that it all hit me in the face at once. Is this happening to me because it’s just me and shit always happens to me or has God wanted me to feel and experience this horrid obstacle? This has NEVER happened to me before. So how do I deal with it? I have been sucking it up, dealing with it, venting, writing and I try not to take it out on others. Maybe all this is to happen to me because I am not reading my bible enough, I haven’t been listening to Josh Rosenthal, I have been missing church a lot, bad karma, or maybe it’s just LIFE. It can be many things, I have just never had them hit me all at once and I don’t know of what to do. Bottom line, everyone faces obstacles throughout their lives. We learn how to let them go or work with them. But does everyone face the same obstacle I do? I feel lonely. I don’t mind feeling alone, I just hate feeling lonely.

Just one of those days.

Do you ever have those days of where you just cry to just cry? At first you don’t have a reason of why you cry. You just cry, and then you start developing emotions and start to think. You think about how your life is so far, the trials you face and hardships you are going through at the present time. I have been having these days lately like everyone else. Dealing with family issues, friends, self-esteem, that one person who you can’t stop thinking about and just life in general. It is a requirement for you to learn how to deal with your issues and learn from your mistakes with poise. You cannot show all the people in your life you pain and you’re hurt. Just put on a smile and act like everything is okay. It is okay to tell your close friends and spill it out. Choose one friend to tell developing gossip too. That way you don’t have to tell the story many times.

Friends always come and you. You do not need to prove your friendship to them because if they don’t see after 10 years of being friends then they are blind. That is a huge slap in your face so just leave. Putting up with immaturity and being treated badly is not worth the pain. There comes a time when you feel that the friendship is not reciprocal. They vent and have you be there for them but they do not take the time to be there for you. They kick you out of their wedding and blab everything on facebook. Having friends come and go lifts a large amount of weight off your shoulders. In the end, you learn how to deal with the decisions you make and move on.

Everyone has self esteem issues. It seems like no matter what you do or how much make up you wear, you always feel second best. It’s even worse when a man tells you that you are second best, even as a joke. If it is true, you never tell a woman that. If she confronts you later on, then you take responsibility. No excuses and no asking for a second date. It’s not going to happen. What you should do is not tell the girl they are second best. Just say that they are so then they gain confidence. Understand that those who have dealt with eating disorders or depression are a lot more fragile than those other girls. Body image matters to people more than others. Finding a way to work with the person is the most important for that person. If they stay in the house or go out, they will dress up and look amazing just to feel amazing for that day.

That special man… what can I say about him? I can go on and on but at the end of the day I am alone. I am fine being alone but I don’t wanna be lonely. No matter what I do or how hard I try I’m not good enough. How can I show that I am good enough and that I have changed when he won’t even talk or hang out with me? I know he has moved on, I have accepted that I could be replaced. It breaks my heart but I am still willing to do anything I can to be his friend. I should be thankful that we are friends and not be depressed that we are not together right? He told me that he missed me and that he often thought about me when I was with my ex. Maybe I just interpreted what he said wrong or over analyzed everything. I just want to be happy. Do I need a man to be happy? In HS I hated the male species, then why am I totally wrapped around Eric’s finger? Honestly, if we dated I would be his puppet. I can’t find a balance.